Reality Bites…and I’m Okay With That!

 

I said this was going to be a place where I could be honest, and I warned you it might not be pretty…and today, I’m not feeling pretty.  On the outside, of course I am…Ha!  On the inside, not so much.  I have been confronted with a reality that I have known was there, one that served to provide much anguish and confusion in the past…but one that I, in my own special way, buried and covered with pretty, shiny, IMAGINARY things.  Oh, how I have a true talent for seeing the best in people…for making things sparkle…for counting on the goodness of others.  I so want to assume that the people in my life are like me…honest, loving, kind, compassionate, having only good intentions, wanting what’s best for those I love.  But, alas, this is not the way things are.  I do NOT believe in fairy tales…but I will not, ever, give up my belief that there are good, kind, honest people in this world.  Not perfect people.  Just people that are trying to be the best people they can.

I have a new friend who helped me come back to the reality of my situation, and I thank him for that.  Perhaps this painful cycle with this reality will now cease, and I can get my focus back where it belongs.  On me.  Me.  My needs… my wants… my desires.  It’s time to take myself out of the particular orbit I’ve been stuck in, and fly free.

That’s all a little vague, isn’t it?  Okay, some real information, if you’re interested and still reading.  If you’ve read anything else on this blog, you know that I have been divorced almost 2 years.  Leaving my marriage was something that was long overdue, but I had reasons for staying… and then I had reasons for leaving.   I jumped out of the known into the unknown quicker than planned because of a reconnection with an ‘old friend’.  It all started innocently enough…going out with the old ‘gang’ for dinner and margaritas, laughing like we did in high school, reminiscing about old times…we would talk online, and he came on strong with compliments (flattery), support, attention…showed strong interest in me sexually, emotionally, intellectually…things that had been lacking in my life for many, many years.  I had tickets for a concert, he invited himself along, everyone else cancelled… we were just friends.  Husband knew, didn’t care.  So…I went.  And it changed everything.

At this small, intimate venue, he held my hand, put his arms around me…looked at me as if I was the only girl in the place.  My head was spinning, but we were just friends.  He invited me to  go have breakfast one morning…how innocent is that?  EXCEPT…(yeah, the plot thickens…)  when I arrived at his apartment to pick him up, he wasn’t ready yet…told me to come on in.  I was nervous, anxious…there WAS some sexual attraction….but we were just friends.  I came in, sat down on the edge of the sofa, waiting for him to finish getting ready.  He came out, sat beside me, started talking and teasing….leaned in to kiss me, pushed me back on the sofa, kissed me hard, held me down with his body, kept kissing me hard and groping my breasts and…other things…  roughly.  What?!?  We’re just friends.   He sat up, smiled and apologized for scaring me…and I sat there shaking, head spinning, heart racing…terrified, excited…knowing that something wasn’t right, but not willing to run away.  And then we went and had breakfast.

It took me over an hour to stop shaking, but he held my hand, rubbed my neck, said sweet things.  And I followed like a lamb to the slaughter when we got back to his place.  Went in to ‘talk about what happened’.  He came on strong again, though not as violently…and I had my first orgasm in 6 years.  I thought I got what I wanted…He knew he had.

(Unfortunately, this story continues…)

Serenity Prayer…Modified

GOD GRANT ME
THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE PEOPLE I CANNOT CHANGE
THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE ONE I CAN
AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW –
THAT ONE IS ME.

!!

(Picture taken by my daughter, L… looking down on the delta)

Hello 2012…Bring It!

Well, hello there! :o) It’s been almost 3 years…really? Oh my…how things have changed! Funny…this blog started as Can Things Be Changed, then evolved into Change in Progress. Guess I…evolved, too :o) I’ve decided to blow the dust off this old blog, exorcise some ghosts of the past, and continue forward with the changes. Wanna join me ? Buckle your seatbelts, it’s going to be a bumpy ride! (I know, I know…one of the most misquoted quotes of all time…bumpy night, gotcha!)

When I was here before, I was dealing with the aftermath of infidelity, trying to reconcile a marriage that was ready to be buried and dealing with feelings that I was too scared to share in the ‘real world’. I made two terrific friends…one a husband who had cheated on his wife and was working at reconciliation…. the other, an ‘other woman’ dealing with her feelings about her married man returning to his wife. We were an interesting group of blog friends, and I believe we learned much from one another. They, like me, seem to have moved on… past the gut-wrenching emotions, the never-ending (though they did!) questions, the fear of the future. I say to you, Misfit Mistress and TVExplorer, wherever you may be….kudos to all of us, and I hope and pray that 2012 finds you blessed, happy, and at peace.

Another topic of much discussion was getting motivated to lose weight. Well… I’ve done that, too. Yay me! I lost…65 lbs in 2010. Much more than that if we go back to the highest number I ever saw on the scale… but let’s not, and say we did, eh? Still have about 20 to go…but honestly, if I never lose another pound…I’m thrilled and proud of what I’ve done. Everyone who sees me now says ‘OMG, what did you do?’… and they look at me expectantly, hoping I’ve discovered a ‘miracle’. But no…there are no miracles, or shortcuts, to permanent, sustained weight loss. And when I tell them my ‘secret’…logging every bite of food that went into my mouth until I could tell you exactly how many calories were in XYZ, weighing and measuring the food, counting calories obsessively…their eyes glaze over, they mumble ‘oh, yeah…that….whatever’ Nothing worth having is easy, folks. Truth.

So…that was then, and this is now. I’m still a Change in Progress, and hope I am until the day I leave this planet. Let’s do this thing called 2012…Bring it!

Mid-Life Crisis…or Did I Finally Get a Clue?

 

 So…haven’t been around much lately.  I’ve dropped in and checked on my blog friends, so Hi to all of you :) 

What I have been doing…is getting myself together…physically, mentally and spiritually.  You know how you try and try and try to make some sort of change…and things just fall flat, time and again?  Until that ‘something’ in your head clicks…and you wonder why it was so hard before?   Yeah, well…that something finally clicked!  Yay for me….and Thank You, Lord!

Started eating better, watching calories, making better choices, threw out all the white carbs, etc.  Started taking some of the supplements that I’ve been meaning to take over the years….you know, fish oil, daily vitamin, b-complex, royal jelly….no, I don’t rattle when I walk….yet :)  Started working out a bit…bought the new WII Fit – it is SO much fun, and totally hilarious!  It has gotten all of us doing something together, laughing and having a great time!  And my husband loves the yoga part…who knew?  (If you’ll remember…my husband is a country boy from Mississippi…I NEVER would have imagined him trying the yoga…much less doing it WITHOUT the WII lol!!  Too funny….or maybe you’d have to be here to get it.  Also borrowed the mother-in-law from hell’s treadmill…so I’ve been hittin’ that too.

And that’s all good…great even.  But something has happened internally, and I’m not exactly sure what it is.  I’m still going through the same stuff…still learning to trust my husband again….and learning that I have to trust God, and leave Tim up to him.  Still trying to help my friend whose husband has left her (and yes, that DOES stir some stuff up ).  But I feel…different.  Determined.  Motivated? 

I’ll tell you a couple of things that happened.  First, after all these years, a blood test at the Dr. showed my triglycerides were high.  Cholesterol is great, but triglycerides are a little high.  I’m taking blood pressure medicine already…bad enough!  But the triglyceride thing just shook me up….they also thought my blood sugar was high, but further testing showed it to be ok.  So…feeling even older and fatter after THAT report.  AFTER almost dying in October…yeah.

Then…we went to see father-in-law in the nursing home (NOT the first time, btw)…and I just sat there watching all the elderly women….some were only in their 60′s, others way past 80.  I started thinking about my friend’s husband that recently died in the car wreck, and thinking about how much differently he would have done some things if he’d known his time was so short.  And I started mulling over that phrase…Life is too short….and then I thought, yeah, but sometimes Life is too long.   I thought “gee, I don’t want to live ONE MINUTE past the time that I can enjoy life, take care of myself, contribute to society, do the things I love….”  And then it hit me….whether my life ends up being too short….or too long….the only time I can change is RIGHT NOW!  Right Now.  Today.  This minute.  That’s all the time I’ve got, to live my life, to do what I enjoy doing, to take care of myself….This Minute.  I realized that if I walked out of that nursing home, and didn’t change a thing….nothing would change.  Whether I lived 1 more minute, or 45 more years….If I didn’t do something different….I’d wake up on the other side, full of regrets…having existed, and not lived.

I don’t want to be sitting here this time next year…in the same place, with the same issues, having been held prisoner by my own fear and procrastination.  So…I’m taking care of me.  Me.  I am important.  And I can’t take care of anyone else if I don’t make myself a priority. 

Will everyone  in my life come along for this journey…and will they all be there as I progress?  That’s up to them.  I can’t control their thoughts, actions, desires.  Ultimately….I’m only responsible for me.  Imagine that!

Long Lost Friends and Rose-Colored Glasses

 

No…I didn’t stop blogging.  I didn’t die.  I did not get abducted by aliens. 

I have, however, been kept very busy with a teenage daughter’s senior activities and all the accompanying preparation (and expenses) of her impending high school graduation.  I don’t know which has been more depleted…my energy or the checking account!

I also have that friend I mentioned before…you know, the one whose husband is cheating on her.  With someone he met online.  She wants to save her marriage, and she seems to feel I can expertly guide her into that happening.  NOT!  Even with all the similarities that appear to go with the ‘affair script’ that the ones who stray seem to follow…there are differences that will ultimately affect the outcome.  Just because my husband decided he wanted the marriage, doesn’t mean her husband will.  And, oh, how she has those famous rose-colored glasses strapped on tight.  She wants to believe he hasn’t been physically unfaithful….yet he’s been to New Orleans twice to meet the ow.  She installed a keylogger on his computer…so she knows they talk of marriage, beach weddings, blah, blah, blah.  I’m trying so hard to keep her from falling apart, without instilling any false hope.  Sigh.

On a happier note…I heard from a good friend (used to be my bff) that I haven’t seen in several years today.  It’s a long story…this friend was one of the most independent, tenacious women I’ve ever known.  She completed her Master’s Degree while having two children, dealing with a complicated husband, and still finding time to be a good friend to me during a very bad time in my life.  Then…..  I stopped hearing from her, I heard rumors of the addiction…multiple personalities….running from the FBI.  I felt like I was hearing things about a stranger…or tales from the Twilight Zone.  I got an email and a cryptic phone call from her husband in 2004…and that’s the last I heard from her.

My daughter and I found her son on Facebook…he was thrilled to hear from L, told her how much his mom missed me…and I got an email from my friend today!   She will be in town this week.  We are making plans to see each other…I’m excited…and terribly anxious!  I remember the woman I used to know and still love….  is she still going to be that woman?
Other than that…we’ve been doing heavy-duty spring cleaning, getting the garden ready for planting, working on the flowerbeds.  Just life, ya know?  And you?

If we cannot laugh at ourselves, all hope is lost!

**Disclaimer – I do not condone violence against another person…I practice forgiveness, but I can’t pretend I didn’t have revenge fantasies at one time or another during our ‘trouble’**

So…I was surfing around, caught a link to this video on YouTube….and I thought it spoke so well to the emotions on both sides…I did not expect the ending!  I was just getting into the emotions, feelings….and then BOOM.  So…yeah.  No offense meant to any of my blog friends….If we cannot laugh at ourselves, all hope is lost!

Here’s a link…embedding disabled on request….blah!

Better version of song….no boom:)

What’s Wrong With Me? ;)

 

Here’s a link to my myspace blog - someone asked recently exactly what ailment it was that I’d mentioned in a previous post…check out the Oct 31, 2oo8 post for an introduction to my histoplasmosis diagnosis…hey, that’s got a really cool rhymey sound to it.  The ONLY thing remotely funny or cool about it…yeah.

Anyway…I’m feeling better every day….hair has completely stopped falling out (Yippee!) and energy levels are rising.  I’ve even lost a few pounds without really trying – always a good thing, eh? 

Had a spectacular day today…got to sleep in (with the dogs cuddled up after Tim went fishing lol!), spent some time talking with my daughter before she went to work,  watched an intriguing show on the life of Doris Day (I kid you not!) and then Tim and I worked in the yard the rest of the day (76 degrees and sunny – awesome!).  We had a good time together, laughed much.  All the flowerbeds are cleaned out, just waiting to be planted with pretty things :)  Tonight, Tim cooked steak and shrimp on the grill…goodness…I’m just pleasantly tired, full and quite content.  Life does go on…and some days it really does seem worth the enormous effort to put the bad things behind us.  

It feels good to feel hopeful.  

Focus

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back
on the table, and take out the garbage first.

But then I think,
since I’m going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my checkbook off the table,
and see that there is only one check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
so I go inside the house to my desk, where
I find the can of Pepsi I’d been drinking.

I’m going to look for my checks,
but first, I need to push the Pepsi aside
so that I don’t accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm,
and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye — they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that
I’ve been searching for all morning.

I decide I’d better put them back on my desk,
but first I’m going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter,
fill a container with water, and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight, when we go to watch TV,
I’ll be looking for the remote,
but I won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs.
But first I’ll water the flowers.

I pour some water on the flowers,
but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some towels, and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall, trying to
remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

The car isn’t washed.
The bills aren’t paid.
There is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter.
The flowers don’t have enough water.
There is still only one check in my check book.
I can’t find the remote.
I can’t find my glasses,
and I don’t remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I’m really baffled, because I know I was busy all day,
and I’m really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,
and I’ll try to get some help for it,
but first, I’ll check my e-mail….

That’s What Friends Are For…

So…had lunch yesterday with my dear friend, the one who lost her husband in a horrific car accident right before Christmas.  We had a nice lunch, good conversation…and I left feeling very sad.

Then…I get a phone call last night, from someone I consider more than an acquaintance, but not quite a friend.  Someone that I haven’t particulary liked a whole lot in the past.  Seems her husband, whom I have always thought the world of….is having an affair.  Shocked…but I don’t know why I am. 

I’d like to say I always thought better of him than that.  But, I thought worlds better about my husband, thought he was a man of honor and integrity…and he was capable.  All of us are capable of betraying the ones we love.

So I talk to her for a couple of hours last night, and hour or so today.  She’s so hurt, devastated.  She called me, someone she’s not close to, because she knew I would understand.  I’m afraid she thought I would have answers…could help her fix this, because my husband and I are reconciled (or reconciling…it’s gonna be a long ride).  I don’t have answers.  I can tell her MY story.  I can tell her the way I handled things that seemed to be helpful, and things I did that weren’t so hot.  I can tell her about my pain, and how I clung to God and His promises to get through the hell of his affair and abandonment.  I can tell her that I finally told him I give up, let’s be friends and co-parents, let’s move on….and that 2 days later, he started moving towards togetherness and coming home.  I can’t tell her how to ‘fix’ hers. 

My advice…the same advice I followed…work on yourself, talk to God, listen to God…leave your husband in God’s hands.  You cannot control anyone but yourself…You can’t control this situation. Sigh

The same advice I’m still trying to follow, as God finishes what He started.

Thank You, Joyce!

 

                                

So…just watched today’s Joyce Meyer show on my dvr.  Goodness, it’s like she was talking directly to me…and to make sure I noticed it, God made sure I saw that it was recorded in Memphis!  I WENT to that conference.  Except for one session…guess which one was on today’s episode? 

What was she talking about, you ask?  Why…frustration…God’s grace….allowing God to make changes in us…how we should do what we can do, and trust God to give us His grace to do what we can’t do on our own.  Hmmmm….think I’ll listen to it again.

Thank you, Joyce.  And thank you, Father, for letting me know you’re there, that you are aware of my state of mind, and for reminding me that YOU are the answer, even to the questions that I haven’t fully formed yet.  God is so good…All the time!

God surely has a sense of humor.  Irony seems to be His specialty.