After the affair: My husband came home…and I don’t torture him or try to exact revenge…imagine that!

Some of the comments I’ve been reading on the blogs of a couple of my favorite blog pals really give me pause.  Such generalizations of how awful every man’s life must be who has chosen to reconcile with his wife.  I’m simply speechless.

 Not every wife is a screaming banshee that wishes to torture the man she loves…though he strayed and blew a big hole in her idea of love and trust.  Some of us are able to deal with things rationally (most of the time), and try to learn what our contribution was to making the marriage such that our husbands chose to cheat rather than do the hard work of repairing/reinvigorating the marital relationship. 

Not all wives are evil, mean, torturing bitches…just as not all OW are scheming, homewrecking whores.  And not all MM are serial cake-eating, nasty liars.  See how the generalizations can paint  very ugly pictures of people that are as varied and as individual as say…everyone on this blogsite?  Sheesh, people….the folks you had the affairs with were asses.  And when the jig was up, they went home.  They had as many reasons to remain married as you had to have a relationship with someone you knew was married. 

Why does the wife get painted as…pathetic….evil….unattractive…unloving?  Of course, she is painting you with the exact same broad strokes.  Because she doesn’t KNOW you.  And to know that you wish these people’s lives to be a living hell, no matter that there are innocent children involved… is so very sad.

 Why can’t we all admit that WE made mistakes….as affair partners, as cheating spouses, as the spouse who was cheated on….we all made mistakes that led to these messes!  I KNOW I did things that I should have done differently, those that have cheated should have done the hard thing and either worked on their marriage, or ended it before starting another relationship…and those affair partners, who went into a relationship with a married person with eyes wide open, need to take responsibility for their own bad judgement…and release the ‘other’ people involved in these triangles.  We are all guilty of bad judgement….why do we want to punish or inflict pain on anyone else?

The OW in my sitch was mean, she did her very best to hurt me and my daughter…and after my husband left and moved in with her….she made his life a living hell.  She was clingy, insecure, irrational….but she wrote blogs about how dreamily happy they were…while he was sleeping on the couch, and even spending nights in his shop.  He’s home, and she tries still (after 3+ years) to get him to reestablish contact.  I wish she would move to….Australia, and find the man of her dreams and live happily ever after.  And leave my husband alone.  I really don’t want her miserable, or hurting, or broken…although there was a time that I did.  I’d like to not think of her, ever again.  That’s my goal.

My husband seems genuinely happy to be home.  We are happy.  Our relationship is better than ever, continually improving and still healing.  His relationship with our daughter is renewed.  Are things perfect?  Well, of course not.  Two imperfect people cannot have a perfect relationship.  If you had ‘won’ your affair partner, do you think things would have been perfect?  You know better! 

My husband and I have been together 20 years.  Is sex ‘movie sex’?  Nope.  Not on your life.  But oh….back in the day ;o)  We were ‘porn movie’ sex, ‘romantic movie’ sex and ‘epic movie’ sex….depending on the day and the mood….and sometimes all three lol!  We were hot, and had it going on!  Can it ever be that again, after 20 years….with 46 year old bodies, rather than 26 year old bodies.  We shall see!  It might not be as often, or as consistent…but I think we can pull up a good movie scene way on into the future!

I’ve been reading TV Explorer and Misfit Mistress’s blogs for quite a while, even when I’m not actively blogging…and I guess all the negativity and blaming just really got to me tonight.  I’ve been working my ass off for 5 years to learn to be a better wife and partner, to be forgiving and loving, to create an atmosphere in our home where my husband knows that he is loved and cherished and respected and forgiven…and it really just ticks me off for every single OW leaving comments to badmouth the wife….someone they don’t know, someone they disrespected (yeah, I know…you didn’t make the vow, he did…yeah, I get it!  You didn’t break a vow, but you greatly disrespected another woman, the sanctity of the marital relationship….and you did the biggest disservice to yourself!), someone who is in JUST AS MUCH FREAKING PAIN as you are…but with more to lose, and more heartache to go through if her whole life is blown out of the water.  What happened to sisterhood?  I better end this here….I am so pissed.

I really try to live by the sentiments expressed in the Desiderata…I think it is a beautiful and lovely ideal for human behavior.  Oh what a world it would be if we could all live in the spirit of  ‘love one another’ & “live and let live’  as expressed so beautifully in it’s verses!

 

For just one week…

I will log everything I eat in Sparkpeople before I eat anything sweet.

I will spend one hour doing domestic chores before I can visit Farmtown, Farmville, Yoville or Fish World.  Sad, eh?

I will put one load of clothes in before I watch dvr’d soaps.

I will fold them and put them away before I  watch As The World Turns.

I will do 30 minutes of Wii Fit before 7pm.

I will spend 15 minutes reading my bible or a devotional-type book a day.

Lame goals, eh?  Oh well…

Mid-Life Crisis…or Did I Finally Get a Clue?

 

 So…haven’t been around much lately.  I’ve dropped in and checked on my blog friends, so Hi to all of you :) 

What I have been doing…is getting myself together…physically, mentally and spiritually.  You know how you try and try and try to make some sort of change…and things just fall flat, time and again?  Until that ’something’ in your head clicks…and you wonder why it was so hard before?   Yeah, well…that something finally clicked!  Yay for me….and Thank You, Lord!

Started eating better, watching calories, making better choices, threw out all the white carbs, etc.  Started taking some of the supplements that I’ve been meaning to take over the years….you know, fish oil, daily vitamin, b-complex, royal jelly….no, I don’t rattle when I walk….yet :)  Started working out a bit…bought the new WII Fit – it is SO much fun, and totally hilarious!  It has gotten all of us doing something together, laughing and having a great time!  And my husband loves the yoga part…who knew?  (If you’ll remember…my husband is a country boy from Mississippi…I NEVER would have imagined him trying the yoga…much less doing it WITHOUT the WII lol!!  Too funny….or maybe you’d have to be here to get it.  Also borrowed the mother-in-law from hell’s treadmill…so I’ve been hittin’ that too.

And that’s all good…great even.  But something has happened internally, and I’m not exactly sure what it is.  I’m still going through the same stuff…still learning to trust my husband again….and learning that I have to trust God, and leave Tim up to him.  Still trying to help my friend whose husband has left her (and yes, that DOES stir some stuff up ).  But I feel…different.  Determined.  Motivated? 

I’ll tell you a couple of things that happened.  First, after all these years, a blood test at the Dr. showed my triglycerides were high.  Cholesterol is great, but triglycerides are a little high.  I’m taking blood pressure medicine already…bad enough!  But the triglyceride thing just shook me up….they also thought my blood sugar was high, but further testing showed it to be ok.  So…feeling even older and fatter after THAT report.  AFTER almost dying in October…yeah.

Then…we went to see father-in-law in the nursing home (NOT the first time, btw)…and I just sat there watching all the elderly women….some were only in their 60’s, others way past 80.  I started thinking about my friend’s husband that recently died in the car wreck, and thinking about how much differently he would have done some things if he’d known his time was so short.  And I started mulling over that phrase…Life is too short….and then I thought, yeah, but sometimes Life is too long.   I thought “gee, I don’t want to live ONE MINUTE past the time that I can enjoy life, take care of myself, contribute to society, do the things I love….”  And then it hit me….whether my life ends up being too short….or too long….the only time I can change is RIGHT NOW!  Right Now.  Today.  This minute.  That’s all the time I’ve got, to live my live, to do what I enjoy doing, to take care of myself….This Minute.  I realized that if I walked out of that nursing home, and didn’t change a thing….nothing would change.  Whether I lived 1 more minute, or 45 more years….If I didn’t do something different….I’d wake up on the other side, full of regrets…having existed, and not lived.

I don’t want to be sitting here this time next year…in the same place, with the same issues, having been held prisoner by my own fear and procrastination.  So…I’m taking care of me.  Me.  I am important.  And I can’t take care of anyone else if I don’t make myself a priority. 

Will everyone  in my life come along for this journey…and will they all be there as I progress?  That’s up to them.  I can’t control their thoughts, actions, desires.  Ultimately….I’m only responsible for me.  Imagine that!

Long Lost Friends and Rose-Colored Glasses

 

No…I didn’t stop blogging.  I didn’t die.  I did not get abducted by aliens. 

I have, however, been kept very busy with a teenage daughter’s senior activities and all the accompanying preparation (and expenses) of her impending high school graduation.  I don’t know which has been more depleted…my energy or the checking account!

I also have that friend I mentioned before…you know, the one whose husband is cheating on her.  With someone he met online.  She wants to save her marriage, and she seems to feel I can expertly guide her into that happening.  NOT!  Even with all the similarities that appear to go with the ‘affair script’ that the ones who stray seem to follow…there are differences that will ultimately affect the outcome.  Just because my husband decided he wanted the marriage, doesn’t mean her husband will.  And, oh, how she has those famous rose-colored glasses strapped on tight.  She wants to believe he hasn’t been physically unfaithful….yet he’s been to New Orleans twice to meet the ow.  She installed a keylogger on his computer…so she knows they talk of marriage, beach weddings, blah, blah, blah.  I’m trying so hard to keep her from falling apart, without instilling any false hope.  Sigh.

On a happier note…I heard from a good friend (used to be my bff) that I haven’t seen in several years today.  It’s a long story…this friend was one of the most independent, tenacious women I’ve ever known.  She completed her Master’s Degree while having two children, dealing with a difficult husband, and still finding time to be a good friend to me during a very bad time in my life.  Then…she got introduced to Meth…by her husband.  I stopped hearing from her, I heard rumors of the addiction…multiple personalities….running from the FBI.  I felt like I was hearing things about a stranger…or tales from the Twilight Zone.  I got an email and a cryptic phone call from her husband in 2004…and that’s the last I heard from her.

My daughter and I found her son on Facebook…he was thrilled to hear from L, told her how much his mom missed me…and I got an email from my friend today!   She will be in town this week.  We are making plans to see each other…I’m excited…and terribly anxious!  I remember the woman I used to know and love…and I’m so scared to meet this one.  Does that make sense?

Other than that…we’ve been doing heavy-duty spring cleaning, getting the garden ready for planting, working on the flowerbeds.  Just life, ya know?  And you?

If we cannot laugh at ourselves, all hope is lost!

**Disclaimer – I do not condone violence against another person…I practice forgiveness, but I can’t pretend I didn’t have revenge fantasies at one time or another during our ‘trouble’**

So…I was surfing around, caught a link to this video on YouTube….and I thought it spoke so well to the emotions on both sides…I did not expect the ending!  I was just getting into the emotions, feelings….and then BOOM.  So…yeah.  No offense meant to any of my blog friends….If we cannot laugh at ourselves, all hope is lost!

Here’s a link…embedding disabled on request….blah!

Better version of song….no boom:)

What’s Wrong With Me? ;)

 

Here’s a link to my myspace blog - someone asked recently exactly what ailment it was that I’d mentioned in a previous post…check out the Oct 31, 2oo8 post for an introduction to my histoplasmosis diagnosis…hey, that’s got a really cool rhymey sound to it.  The ONLY thing remotely funny or cool about it…yeah.

Anyway…I’m feeling better every day….hair has completely stopped falling out (Yippee!) and energy levels are rising.  I’ve even lost a few pounds without really trying – always a good thing, eh? 

Had a spectacular day today…got to sleep in (with the dogs cuddled up after Tim went fishing lol!), spent some time talking with my daughter before she went to work,  watched an intriguing show on the life of Doris Day (I kid you not!) and then Tim and I worked in the yard the rest of the day (76 degrees and sunny – awesome!).  We had a good time together, laughed much.  All the flowerbeds are cleaned out, just waiting to be planted with pretty things :)  Tonight, Tim cooked steak and shrimp on the grill…goodness…I’m just pleasantly tired, full and quite content.  Life does go on…and some days it really does seem worth the enormous effort to put the bad things behind us.  

It feels good to feel hopeful.  

Repentance

And just in case my last post offended anyone…please rest assured that I was wracked with guilt over my feelings for my friend…and that when I came to my senses about what was really going on…I did repent.  I took it to God, and worked through a lot of issues with prayer and study.  I let go of MY resentment for things that weren’t as expected in my marriage, let go of anger at my husband for unmet needs, etc.  I asked God to help me make my marriage what He wanted it to be.

Then my husband cheated.  I sometimes wonder if I was allowed to go through my emotional transgression so that I could be more forgiving, more understanding when he chose to carry it all the way through to abandonment.

I truly believe we reap what we sow…but I also believe that God takes everything, even our mistakes, and works it our for good.    Hmmm…might have to ponder that a bit further in a future post!

Confession

So…here’s a bit of a confession.  I’m sure a couple of my new blog friends, tv explorer and misfit mistress to be precise, have wondered why I am interested in conversing with them…and how I’m able to not react as vehemently as many wives/spouses who have been cheated on.  Hence…the confession:

At one time, say…early 2001…I began a working relationship with a co-worker that turned into much more.  A little background – my job as a computer tech in a large urban school district allows quite a bit of  freedom, even more so back in the day.  We are grouped into teams, assigned  40ish schools per team, with each member having 5 to 7 schools.  We used to be able to arrange our ticket queues as we saw fit, we were able to travel together and tackle our projects as we wished.  I began traveling with N (or he with me) every day, taking care of our business, but having a wonderful time while doing it :)  We became very close…friends.  He was 9 years younger than me, very much an urbanite, living in the hip, bohemian area in our city where all the artsy types live…I live in the country, married with children forever…you get the picture.  Two people from totally different worlds.  With not that much in common…except our intense like of one another!  N took me to lunch in some of the quirkiest, out-of-the-way places, we had long conversations about everything and nothing, we listened to each others favorite music and read each others favorite books…and discussed them!  We even spent several rainy afternoon in his apartment, watching his all-time favorite tv series on dvd…I was spending time with the man I was absolutely crazy about…he was spending time with his very good friend.

I spent 2 years with N, every day from 7:30 am to after 4pm…sometimes later, when his gf and my husband were busy with other things.  He was in my thoughts 24/7, and I know without a doubt, I would have crossed THAT line with only a minimal amount of encouragement!   He was and is still the most caring, nurturing man I have ever known.  During a lot of ’storms’ in my life, it was N who asked every single day how I was feeling, if I needed to talk, did I need a hug.  Sigh.  Yeah.  But, he never attempted to cross that line, and neither did I.  I held back out of fear of rejection, I suppose…He held back because of his integrity, and because in his mind, we were just great friends.  Oh, how I wanted him to throw his integrity out the window on many occasions.

He moved to Seattle in 2003.  I was devastated.  I grieved, but couldn’t do it ‘publicly’.  I couldn’t seem unprofessional at work, or unfaithful at home.  I had one close friend who knew how I felt about N, and she was my comfort for many, many months.  We maintained our friendship through email and IM, but it took being away from him physically for almost a year before my heart settled down into a comfortable routine again.  It was at about that time that my husband began his affair.  The irony.

So, you see…as much as I’d like to run over my husband’s OW with a bus…I can understand how it can happen.  I understand how a new love can brighten the day, make you feel young and alive again, make you feel like someone knows and cares about you, at your deepest core.  Yeah, I SO get it.

(Of course, the friendship/relationship was more wonderful than I could possibly convey in mere words…aren’t they all?!?)

But, I am thankful every day that dear, sweet, funny, nurturing N…had the integrity to not prey on my love, desire and weakness during a troubled time in my life and marriage.  I would never have wanted to do to my daughter or my husband what my husband’s affair did to us.

Sigh. 

(Or, as the Word teaches…we reap what we sow.  Yeah.)

Focus

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back
on the table, and take out the garbage first.

But then I think,
since I’m going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my checkbook off the table,
and see that there is only one check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
so I go inside the house to my desk, where
I find the can of Pepsi I’d been drinking.

I’m going to look for my checks,
but first, I need to push the Pepsi aside
so that I don’t accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm,
and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye — they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that
I’ve been searching for all morning.

I decide I’d better put them back on my desk,
but first I’m going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter,
fill a container with water, and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight, when we go to watch TV,
I’ll be looking for the remote,
but I won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs.
But first I’ll water the flowers.

I pour some water on the flowers,
but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some towels, and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall, trying to
remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

The car isn’t washed.
The bills aren’t paid.
There is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter.
The flowers don’t have enough water.
There is still only one check in my check book.
I can’t find the remote.
I can’t find my glasses,
and I don’t remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I’m really baffled, because I know I was busy all day,
and I’m really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,
and I’ll try to get some help for it,
but first, I’ll check my e-mail….

Serenity Prayer…Modified

 

GOD GRANT ME
THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE PEOPLE I CANNOT CHANGE
THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE ONE I CAN
AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW –
THAT ONE IS ME.

!! Excellent link on How to Spot and Defeat 4 Marriage Killers !!

(Picture taken by my daughter, L…near our home, looking down on the delta)