Another weekend…

So…have I begun to make any changes? The answer would be No. Have I worried and stressed over things that need to be done, things I’d like to change, people I’d like to hit with a bus…ummmm, wait….let’s rephrase that….people that are still continuing to do their very best to make my life miserable. Why yes…I DID accomplish those things! And while doing the aforementioned activities, I changed my Myspace profile…and it’s so darn cute and nice. Sigh.

But…I AM nice. Maybe too nice for my own good? Non-confrontational to the point of being paralyzed….that’s my new self-analysis. So paralyzed by my fear of ‘rocking the boat’ that it’s easier to internalize the worries, the fears, the doubts. Easier to NOT discuss my husband’s affair(s). Just forgive…which I did, no problem. Gain closure…I don’t know how! If I tell him how I feel, after he’s been back home for almost 3 years…it will rock his boat. Make him uncomfortable. Make him angry? I’m still angry…but I’m the only one that knows that. Well, God knows. Yeah. I think I’m even too paralyzed to really take it all to Him….even though I do believe in miracles…and I DO believe that what God promised He will do.

But I’m so tired. Tired of wondering if he’s going to do it again. Tired of wondering if he really loves me, or if he just came back for L. Or because I have a good job, with good insurance and good income. I can pay all the bills, and he can keep his business open…Sigh.

Now…as an aside….when I was sick a few months ago….he was awesome. As opposed to how he behaved during a previous health crisis….He was with me, but he was not WITH me….he was having an affair. With a used-up, been with more men than I have fingers and toes, wrinkled, mean-spirited slut. More later on THAT subject! When I was in the hospital having a biopsy – which required general anesthesia…and was to answer the question of whether I had lymphoma or NOT…He was on the phone with her, 8 or 10 times… He left me at the hospital after they decided I should stay overnight….and he went to her. (He denies, but evidence supports her saying he did.) See…when I think about that…it still makes me ANGRY!

But, I digress….this time…he was with me every visiting hour while I was in ICU and step down. He spent every night (but one) with me…his choice. He really took care of me, showed me he cared. He acted like a man that really loves his wife. I know God was showing me his deep care by his actions during that time. But I want to know if he LOVES me…not like a friend, or family, or comfortable pair of old shoes. Like a wife, a lover, a companion, a life partner.

Bottom line…since he’s been home….sex has been terrible, when it happens at all.  And I’m miserable and lonely and feel unwanted, undesirable, unloved. The couple of people I’ve half-way confided in have tried to say it’s his guilt. I have my doubts. If it is guilt, I sure wish he’d get over it :( No…I feel like he doesn’t want to touch me….Sexual innuendo and suggestive comments are met with silence and awkwardness. This is not the marriage I prayed for. Not all that God promised would be restored. I would NEVER have wanted him to come home, if this is what I have to look forward to for the rest of my life :(

And our daughter is now 18…I keep thinking of a card SHE gave him that said ‘maybe i’ll still be single when L gets out of school’. She thought he was staying with me, so did he. But he left 8 days later. And she is single….again (for the 5 time or so since he left her!), and my baby girl is about to graduate. And I don’t feel secure enough in his love to trust that all that is in the past.

I know…I’m supposed to trust GOD, not him. Trust God to finish what he started. I know, I know, I know….but I’m tired. Help me, Lord. I believe, please help my unbelief. :(

So, there you have it….where my mind is right now. She looked at my Myspace…so I looked at hers. And once again, she’s putting little snarky comments that are just enough to plant seeds of doubt. Why do I look at it? I don’t WANT to see anything, but I’m scared if I don’t keep an eye on it, I’ll miss some ‘sign’. Sad, isn’t it?

I’ve GOT to put my trust back in the right place, I’ve got to trust God to help me get my life on track….weight, exercise, health, taxes, bills, responsibilities. I’ve got to trust God, but do my part….not sit here paralyzed into oblivion.

Good night…one and all. Or one.