Mindless Babbling

So….T is gone to deer camp. With L. And still…I check the cell phone bill online. I look at HER Myspace, and obsess because she took down a single line on her ‘who she’d like to meet’….and I wonder if it’s because they are talking again. He’s with his daughter, acting ‘normal’, coming home as soon as work is over, sometimes closing a bit early and coming straight home. He cooks…he talks about our future…talks about how much we love our doggies, and how happy he is that we added Koko to our family. Many the things I longed for him to do and the kind of stuff I wanted to hear him say while he was gone. So why, oh why can’t I just trust things?

I still think about HER every single day…multiple times. I think about what I can write on myspace, or the kind of things I can put on there….wondering what message it will send to HER. When what I want is to put songs on there about getting sweet revenge against a homewrecking whore and the scummy cheater…I want to put smartass pics on my page that point out what I think about her…I want to paste “karma” crap all over the page. But I don’t. That’s not WHO I am….it’s just an ugly part of me that I want to be rid of. Because I AM optimistic…I AM nice…I DO trust God. And I pray to forgive her…and I believe I have…but then it all comes back.

And I wonder if it’s worth all this? I want my girl to have her daddy…not have to compete with another woman and her kids (speaking hypothetically here….because I’ve got to believe he’s finished with that skanky…well. you know) for his affection. I want her to have one place to bring her kids to see grandma and grandpa (Lord, help me!)…Not have to go see Grandma and Jack and Grandpa and Jill…I don’t want her to have the hole in her spirit that I still have from being abandoned by a step-dad because of a skanky ho!

I prayed for this man to come home. I began to pray and believe after God showed me (sounds crazy….but I have NO doubt in my mind…) that I was to stand in the gap for my marriage, and that he would bring him home. But God also, through His Word and personal….ummmm, conversation….promised me many things and confirmed those promises. Gideon and his fleeces have nothing on the signs God hit me over the head with. I know I was supposed to wait on this man….I’m supposed to trust God to finish what he started.

So why is that so hard? Why do I think I can prevent T from doing anything by obsessing and worrying? Hi, I’m T (me T, not he T), and I’m becoming a control freak?!? But I know, know, know that I cannot control it. He can do it again if he chooses…and I can live through it if he does. But I will feel like a damn fool, and I will have some serious questions to ask of God at that point, don’t ya know! And I will have gone through this for nothing? Gone through the insecurity, the humiliation, the pain, the anger, the LACK OF SEX…for nothing?

But, therein lies the catch…If I could let myself just relax and trust God, I wouldn’t be in so much anguish. But I can’t relax, I’m always wondering what if, what if, what if….

You know…at this point, I don’t have to worry about being tempted to stray…because no one is going to hit on me right now. I’m overweight, most of my hair has fallen out due to extreme fevers and illness back in October, I don’t go anywhere or do anything to ‘put myself out there’. But what if these changes I speak of WoRk….what if I lose a reasonable amount of weight (it didn’t take much of a loss to start getting some looks and smiles while he was gone!)….my hair will grow back, and it’ll be quite cute again….what if someone else shows interest, when I’m so damn lonely and lacking serious affection/intimacy? Can I make enough changes to change the way I’m feeling about myself to not NEED the attention of another man to make me feel alive again. Can I be that strong? You know…at this point, I’m just going to have to chance it. I can’t stay this stuck just to be safe.