Motivation

I’ve had the whole weekend to myself…so, of course, I’ve accomplished everything on my mental to-do list. My house is clean, the dogs are bathed, I’ve spent a lot of time reading my bible and several of the 14 or so books I’ve bought to read, I’ve spent time in prayer, in self-reflection. I’ve thought and planned the new way of eating I need to follow to get back to a healthy weight. Right?!

Actually, no. Instead, I’ve watched Lifetime movies and Dr. Phil on the DVR, I’ve played with the dogs, eaten fast food and prepackaged meals…and spent way too much time online reading other people’s blogs. Particularly blogs related to people having/had/recovering from affairs. I wonder, does that help MY mental state at all?

I do know that now, looking around, with nothing done and none of my changes moved ahead one iota…I feel like crap. More overwhelmed. But, goodness, can I justify…ha! I found myself on a walk with the doggies telling myself ‘well, everyone else goes and does exactly what they want every weekend…why should I (hear the invitation to the pity party?) have to spend my alone time cleaning and taking care of their stuff?’. Poor me :(

Sigh…I had a little self-talk last week…explaining once again to Me that I need to stop focusing on what other people are doing or not doing, and I need to continue with the changes I had made in myself while T was gone. I was sure that’s what I was ready to do. And I am. It’s just finding the motivation to start moving in the right direction.

While T was gone, I ate better, exercised more, kept my house spotless (yeah, I know…it was easier to keep clean because it was just L and me, and I was running on nervous energy because my husband was living with a skank-ho and making my life miserable, yeah, yeah, yeah…), I prayed and read my bible and other Christian books much more often, I fasted…I TRUSTED God completely to help me make whatever changes I need to make in….Me.

And I left T up to God…I never threatened divorce, only lost my temper a couple of time during the whole ordeal, never confronted or attacked other woman (that MUST have been God!)….I just trusted my God, and let Him handle the details….while I allowed Him to point out every negative aspect of ME that needed changing.

And then T comes home, and I revert to some of my old ways….I let myself get so caught up in all the worrying, and the enemy I guess lured me into thinking I could CONTROL something….anything….by taking it back from God’s hands and worrying.

Wow…I just had a moment of revelation right there. Hmmm….I already knew the worry/control thing. But, I swear…it’s like God just shined a spotlight into my spirit to show me how much the enemy has his hand in it. I’ve got some work to do. Yeah.
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