Do you have a problem with procrastination? Well…I do. Found this little article, thought it might help someone else out there too….
And….I’m posting the link for myself, in case…ummm, so that it will be here when I need to refer back to it :)
http://www.sideroad.com/Self_Help/beating-procrastination.html
I’ve had the whole weekend to myself…so, of course, I’ve accomplished everything on my mental to-do list. My house is clean, the dogs are bathed, I’ve spent a lot of time reading my bible and several of the 14 or so books I’ve bought to read, I’ve spent time in prayer, in self-reflection. I’ve thought and planned the new way of eating I need to follow to get back to a healthy weight. Right?!
Actually, no. Instead, I’ve watched Lifetime movies and Dr. Phil on the DVR, I’ve played with the dogs, eaten fast food and prepackaged meals…and spent way too much time online reading other people’s blogs. Particularly blogs related to people having/had/recovering from affairs. I wonder, does that help MY mental state at all?
I do know that now, looking around, with nothing done and none of my changes moved ahead one iota…I feel like crap. More overwhelmed. But, goodness, can I justify…ha! I found myself on a walk with the doggies telling myself ‘well, everyone else goes and does exactly what they want every weekend…why should I (hear the invitation to the pity party?) have to spend my alone time cleaning and taking care of their stuff?’. Poor me :(
Sigh…I had a little self-talk last week…explaining once again to Me that I need to stop focusing on what other people are doing or not doing, and I need to continue with the changes I had made in myself while T was gone. I was sure that’s what I was ready to do. And I am. It’s just finding the motivation to start moving in the right direction.
While T was gone, I ate better, exercised more, kept my house spotless (yeah, I know…it was easier to keep clean because it was just L and me, and I was running on nervous energy because my husband was living with a skank-ho and making my life miserable, yeah, yeah, yeah…), I prayed and read my bible and other Christian books much more often, I fasted…I TRUSTED God completely to help me make whatever changes I need to make in….Me.
And I left T up to God…I never threatened divorce, only lost my temper a couple of time during the whole ordeal, never confronted or attacked other woman (that MUST have been God!)….I just trusted my God, and let Him handle the details….while I allowed Him to point out every negative aspect of ME that needed changing.
And then T comes home, and I revert to some of my old ways….I let myself get so caught up in all the worrying, and the enemy I guess lured me into thinking I could CONTROL something….anything….by taking it back from God’s hands and worrying.
Wow…I just had a moment of revelation right there. Hmmm….I already knew the worry/control thing. But, I swear…it’s like God just shined a spotlight into my spirit to show me how much the enemy has his hand in it. I’ve got some work to do. Yeah.
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So….T is gone to deer camp. With L. And still…I check the cell phone bill online. I look at HER Myspace, and obsess because she took down a single line on her ‘who she’d like to meet’….and I wonder if it’s because they are talking again. He’s with his daughter, acting ‘normal’, coming home as soon as work is over, sometimes closing a bit early and coming straight home. He cooks…he talks about our future…talks about how much we love our doggies, and how happy he is that we added Koko to our family. Many the things I longed for him to do and the kind of stuff I wanted to hear him say while he was gone. So why, oh why can’t I just trust things?
I still think about HER every single day…multiple times. I think about what I can write on myspace, or the kind of things I can put on there….wondering what message it will send to HER. When what I want is to put songs on there about getting sweet revenge against a homewrecking whore and the scummy cheater…I want to put smartass pics on my page that point out what I think about her…I want to paste “karma” crap all over the page. But I don’t. That’s not WHO I am….it’s just an ugly part of me that I want to be rid of. Because I AM optimistic…I AM nice…I DO trust God. And I pray to forgive her…and I believe I have…but then it all comes back.
And I wonder if it’s worth all this? I want my girl to have her daddy…not have to compete with another woman and her kids (speaking hypothetically here….because I’ve got to believe he’s finished with that skanky…well. you know) for his affection. I want her to have one place to bring her kids to see grandma and grandpa (Lord, help me!)…Not have to go see Grandma and Jack and Grandpa and Jill…I don’t want her to have the hole in her spirit that I still have from being abandoned by a step-dad because of a skanky ho!
I prayed for this man to come home. I began to pray and believe after God showed me (sounds crazy….but I have NO doubt in my mind…) that I was to stand in the gap for my marriage, and that he would bring him home. But God also, through His Word and personal….ummmm, conversation….promised me many things and confirmed those promises. Gideon and his fleeces have nothing on the signs God hit me over the head with. I know I was supposed to wait on this man….I’m supposed to trust God to finish what he started.
So why is that so hard? Why do I think I can prevent T from doing anything by obsessing and worrying? Hi, I’m T (me T, not he T), and I’m becoming a control freak?!? But I know, know, know that I cannot control it. He can do it again if he chooses…and I can live through it if he does. But I will feel like a damn fool, and I will have some serious questions to ask of God at that point, don’t ya know! And I will have gone through this for nothing? Gone through the insecurity, the humiliation, the pain, the anger, the LACK OF SEX…for nothing?
But, therein lies the catch…If I could let myself just relax and trust God, I wouldn’t be in so much anguish. But I can’t relax, I’m always wondering what if, what if, what if….
You know…at this point, I don’t have to worry about being tempted to stray…because no one is going to hit on me right now. I’m overweight, most of my hair has fallen out due to extreme fevers and illness back in October, I don’t go anywhere or do anything to ‘put myself out there’. But what if these changes I speak of WoRk….what if I lose a reasonable amount of weight (it didn’t take much of a loss to start getting some looks and smiles while he was gone!)….my hair will grow back, and it’ll be quite cute again….what if someone else shows interest, when I’m so damn lonely and lacking serious affection/intimacy? Can I make enough changes to change the way I’m feeling about myself to not NEED the attention of another man to make me feel alive again. Can I be that strong? You know…at this point, I’m just going to have to chance it. I can’t stay this stuck just to be safe.
So…have I begun to make any changes? The answer would be No. Have I worried and stressed over things that need to be done, things I’d like to change, people I’d like to hit with a bus…ummmm, wait….let’s rephrase that….people that are still continuing to do their very best to make my life miserable. Why yes…I DID accomplish those things! And while doing the aforementioned activities, I changed my Myspace profile…and it’s so darn cute and nice. Sigh.
But…I AM nice. Maybe too nice for my own good? Non-confrontational to the point of being paralyzed….that’s my new self-analysis. So paralyzed by my fear of ‘rocking the boat’ that it’s easier to internalize the worries, the fears, the doubts. Easier to NOT discuss my husband’s affair(s). Just forgive…which I did, no problem. Gain closure…I don’t know how! If I tell him how I feel, after he’s been back home for almost 3 years…it will rock his boat. Make him uncomfortable. Make him angry? I’m still angry…but I’m the only one that knows that. Well, God knows. Yeah. I think I’m even too paralyzed to really take it all to Him….even though I do believe in miracles…and I DO believe that what God promised He will do.
But I’m so tired. Tired of wondering if he’s going to do it again. Tired of wondering if he really loves me, or if he just came back for L. Or because I have a good job, with good insurance and good income. I can pay all the bills, and he can keep his business open…Sigh.
Now…as an aside….when I was sick a few months ago….he was awesome. As opposed to how he behaved during a previous health crisis….He was with me, but he was not WITH me….he was having an affair. With a used-up, been with more men than I have fingers and toes, wrinkled, mean-spirited slut. More later on THAT subject! When I was in the hospital having a biopsy – which required general anesthesia…and was to answer the question of whether I had lymphoma or NOT…He was on the phone with her, 8 or 10 times… He left me at the hospital after they decided I should stay overnight….and he went to her. (He denies, but evidence supports her saying he did.) See…when I think about that…it still makes me ANGRY!
But, I digress….this time…he was with me every visiting hour while I was in ICU and step down. He spent every night (but one) with me…his choice. He really took care of me, showed me he cared. He acted like a man that really loves his wife. I know God was showing me his deep care by his actions during that time. But I want to know if he LOVES me…not like a friend, or family, or comfortable pair of old shoes. Like a wife, a lover, a companion, a life partner.
Bottom line…since he’s been home….sex has been terrible, when it happens at all. And I’m miserable and lonely and feel unwanted, undesirable, unloved. The couple of people I’ve half-way confided in have tried to say it’s his guilt. I have my doubts. If it is guilt, I sure wish he’d get over it :( No…I feel like he doesn’t want to touch me….Sexual innuendo and suggestive comments are met with silence and awkwardness. This is not the marriage I prayed for. Not all that God promised would be restored. I would NEVER have wanted him to come home, if this is what I have to look forward to for the rest of my life :(
And our daughter is now 18…I keep thinking of a card SHE gave him that said ‘maybe i’ll still be single when L gets out of school’. She thought he was staying with me, so did he. But he left 8 days later. And she is single….again (for the 5 time or so since he left her!), and my baby girl is about to graduate. And I don’t feel secure enough in his love to trust that all that is in the past.
I know…I’m supposed to trust GOD, not him. Trust God to finish what he started. I know, I know, I know….but I’m tired. Help me, Lord. I believe, please help my unbelief. :(
So, there you have it….where my mind is right now. She looked at my Myspace…so I looked at hers. And once again, she’s putting little snarky comments that are just enough to plant seeds of doubt. Why do I look at it? I don’t WANT to see anything, but I’m scared if I don’t keep an eye on it, I’ll miss some ‘sign’. Sad, isn’t it?
I’ve GOT to put my trust back in the right place, I’ve got to trust God to help me get my life on track….weight, exercise, health, taxes, bills, responsibilities. I’ve got to trust God, but do my part….not sit here paralyzed into oblivion.
Good night…one and all. Or one.
Well, here’s to the start of a new blog…one that my kids don’t know about, one that my husband’s friends are not my buddies on, one that the skank my husband had an affair with doesn’t look at daily. What’s the purpose? To drop the mask, drop the always hopeful, always cheerful posts that I write on myspace and xanga because they read them…because SHE reads them. Ugh!
Hopefully this won’t become a place to become too negative…just a place to ask the REAL questions, express my real feelings…just a place for me to be me….all of me.
I’m 44, female, a wife, a parent, a daughter, a grandaughter, a sister, a friend, the grandmother of a little angel in heaven…I’m a Christian, I’m peculiar, I’m intelligent, sensitive, emotional, kind, a bit crazy.
And I’ve got to make some changes….you are welcome to come along for the ride…or not. Your call. You can see my lighter side on Myspace. Always cute, always hopeful, always postive. Ha!
Change in Progress! 